I've been betrayed.
Bush whacked!Blind sided!
I've been deceived!
Stabbed in the back I tell you!
Oh the treachery of it all...
By a good friend too.
One I trusted.
One I've had a enjoyable relationship with for years.
A friend I trusted and relied on.
One whose advice I valued.
I'm going to think long and hard before I renew my subscription to Real Simple magazine again. They have breached my trust.
After years of Martha undermining my abilities and confidence, Cosmopolitan making me feel totally inadequate, Oprah lording it over me and various others putting me to sleep, I thought I had found the one.
Real Simple and I spoke the same language, "30 minutes to make a week day meal. "You are absolutely right. Not a minute longer. Of course, nutritious and delicious is achievable in 30 minutes, maybe less."
We appreciated the same things, "Yes! This chocolate is way better than that chocolate!"
And best of all? The No-Obligation Book Club! Genius! I couldn't have set it up better myself.
We were so in sync. I was so happy.
And then the April 2011 Spring Cleaning issue arrived.
[Cue theme music from Jaws]
Initally I was titillated, it was the first page I turned to. I got a little rush of excitement. "Great... let me see how I can blow through these onerous tasks in what? Say 45 minutes? Sounds about right..."
I went right to the area rugs section - my current interest. I got uneasy when I saw the list of 6 items / products required, including a helper. "Uh oh... a helper??"
Step 1
With helper, drag the rug outside. Vigorously shake it. "Wait a minute - this thing is 200 pounds of dead weight!" Hang it over a fence or railing and beat it with a broom or bat. "EXCUSE ME?! Is this some kind of a joke? An excerpt from the 1898 Spring Cleaning edition of It's a Little Hairy on the Prairie? Are they serious?? They want me to BEAT it? With a BAT?! Do they have any idea what I paid for this rug?? Can a good beating seriously be considered routine rug maintenance??"
Step 2
Extract beaten rug from collapsed fence and drag it back into the house. Alleviate concerns of neighbors drawn by sight of bats and helper's high decibel bad language with a casual, friendly wave. Channel Laura Petrie, cheerily shouting "Spring cleaning!" as you rush the rug and the helper back into the house.
Step 3
Vacuum the rug. Flip it over. Vacuum the back too. "WHAT?! The side nobody sees?!" Don't forget to flip it back now. It's only 200 pounds and you have a helper.
Step 4
Open the windows after helper promises to cool it with the bad language and get to work with the delightfully named LA's Totally Awesome Concentrated Spot remover.
Apply. Blot.
Apply. Blot.
Dismiss unhelpful helper.
Apply. Blot.
Step 5
Use a hair dryer set on high to finish the job. Consider using no-cord-required blow torch instead. Discard that idea and turn house upside down to locate extension cord.
Step 6
Spray vinegar and water solution on a two-foot area. Blot with a towel, applying pressure with both feet. Move to another area, repeating until you have covered the entire rug. Try not to think about how much you hate your life right now.
Step 7
Run your specially purchased Lamb's-wool floor mop over the floor; its natural lanolin will help bring a shine to a hardwood surface and a smile to your surly, bitter, rapidly aging face.
Real Simple's Time Investment Estimate: About an hour per rug, plus drying time.
My Time Investment Estimate: About 6 hours per rug, including recruitment of helper, negotiation with helper, altercation with helper, and conducting late stage peace talks with helper. PLUS time spent trying to reverse the effects of Step 6 which have left my feet smelling quite marinated.
I am not making this up, to sign on for an even bigger spring cleaning ordeal, go read how to clean your windows. Even Real Simple suggests you call a pro. Now that would actually be simple.
Those frauds. They need to revisit the definition of real.
And simple.
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