Do Tin Foil Hats Really Work?

It's worth a try

There's nothing like a self-inflicted, heart-stopping scare to take your mind off your real problems. Just even considering the possibility of an alien abduction is even better than a 10 minute roller coaster ride. If you don't believe me, go read Communion. I slept with the light on for weeks. Whitley Strieber's description of a walk in the dark, alone, will curdle your blood. Every room in my house has a flashlight stashed in it. I don't ever want to get caught out, so I have back ups. Everybody knows you don't have a prayer without a good strong flashlight.

That stupid book, anytime something the least bit unexplained happens, I spring into hyper alert... it can only be... "Aliens!"

I don't think real people do this - I think it only actually happens in B movies, but never-ever stop, stand still, and loudly announce "Who's there?" That's just asking for it. You're not going to like the answer you get. If it's not a serial killer it's going to be an alien.

All this explains why I couldn't wait to attend the premiere yesterday of Battle: Los Angeles. Time for another good scare. The previews looked promising. Buckle up! Get ready for a thrill ride! In the dark! No flashlights allowed!

So there we are, in a sea of teenage boys, waiting for the action. About 5 minutes in and the action started. And never stopped. It was one big giant fire fight from beginning to end with laughable John Wayne dialog about a few good men, taking the hill (so to speak), following the leader, leaving no man behind, never surrendering, eating bullets, blah, blah, blah. I guess I had sort of overlooked the Marine component of the previews.

Silly me.

But, visually it was amazing. The casting was perfect, even with the ridiculous cliches. And the introduction of the aliens was skillful, revealing just a little bit at a time, satisfyingly creepy. The set design was fabulous too, you actually felt like you were in Los Angeles, battling aliens. I take issue though with the idiotic scene where they spent precious time figuring out the best way to kill an alien. At the last possible second they finally figured it out. Come on! That would have been this middle-aged housewife's first guess. Puh-leese! And you call yourself Marines.

I'm going to have to be a little more discriminating. Steer myself back to alien flicks that are prey-on-your-mind scary. Almost anything on the X Files qualified. Close Encounters of the Third Kind was also very good. And Signs - that was one of my very favorites. The scene of building dread, where Mel Gibson is outside at dawn and strange noises are coming from the cornfield - I've experienced that. But just so you know - it wasn't aliens, corn just does that sometimes.

And then there's the Shakespeare of scary alien fare, the original, 1979: Alien. Oooh, that was a good one. Tons of dark atmosphere, slime, fangs and being stalked, it doesn't get a lot scarier. Unless it's something Whitley has written.

But I have to say, the best alien movies are the ones featuring creatures more highly evolved than us. Avatar, Cocoon, K-PAX, Starman. That's probably what we should be hoping for. E.T., Alf, even WALL-E, they come to amuse, not vaporize.