Confessions

I can't stand it if the towels in the linen closet are not folded and stacked with military precision. I've been know to secretly go back and refold and stack the towels after some helpful person put them away. However, all the sock drawers in my house look like they've been vigorously stirred. 

I have the ability to rationalize anything. Literally. Anything. I'm thinking this is not so much a talent as it is a serious character flaw.

Oh well.

I hope to God there is no parallel universe where people in another time dimension can see us but we can't see them. You would not believe what I do when I think no one is looking. I certainly don't want to hear about it if I end up in another time dimension some day.

I know you think I love you 100% of the time, but it's actually more like 97%.

I have been considering crime as a retirement strategy. But I'm far too nervous for crime, so I've had to abandon that plan and move on to the winning lottery ticket plan. Besides the fact that I am too twitchy for a successful get-away, you'll notice that the most spectacular crimes are team efforts (I've researched this) and I can't get anyone to even seriously discuss a modest caper with me.

I think it's perfectly ok to "peek" into wrapped gifts. I am really, really good at this. I am the master of the re-wrap. People that know me well periodically check their gifts for signs of disturbance or break in. They know I'm doing it, but they can't catch me. Once I unwrapped a Christmas gift which just happened to be the wrong size, so I ran right out and exchanged it for the right size and rewrapped it. Nobody was the wiser, but I assure you, we were ALL happier. A lot of people think this is immoral. Oh please.

Of course I did use my gift wrapping super powers for evil the time I unwrapped a box of gift chocolates at work. My colleagues and I ate one entire layer and then I replaced it with styrofoam and rewrapped the box so professionally the recipient never knew exactly how and where his chocolate got boosted. Although I think he suspected.

Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday -- it's all about sugar and alcohol and partying and doing it all in disguise (plausible deniability). It's minimal preparation -- no shopping, no cooking, no plane tickets, no card sending. And no pitiful phone calls... "are you coming home for Halloween?"